alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
