I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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