She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
