God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
