if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
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I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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