i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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