So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
