I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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