I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
