So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet