im about as happy as oj after his trial
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
