shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
