are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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