peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
