There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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