I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
