I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Randomize
