I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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