i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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