i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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