everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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