Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
