Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
