Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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