Four minutes until I can fart!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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