I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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