I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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