so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
