i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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