Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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