I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
