I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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