I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
