You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
