Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
