...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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