I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
