he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
