I skipped work to stalk him.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
