I am midnight drunk by noon
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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