i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he thought i was a dude.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
