Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
