i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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