Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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