Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
