I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
