ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
