I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
