I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My sheets look like a crime scene.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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