im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
