Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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