anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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