nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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