Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
