My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
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Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
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I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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