I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
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im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
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If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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