Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
