Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
