my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
