First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
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it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
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and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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