His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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